Today I Feel Somber: Ashley is coming home again,

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2003-10-09 @ 10:41 a.m.
Poem day: What Did Ashley See?

This a poem I wrote about 5 years ago. Well, Ashley is coming home again. This time she is 18 and had been living on her own until she stopped takeing her medication.(and mixing it with other drugs) Now she needs her mother again. But I am not sure how I feel about it and if I want my daughter to be with her very much. I know this makes me a little cold but she is dangerous to herself and others when she gets out of hand. My heart breaks for the girl that might have been.

What did Ashley See

I wait in my car, tonight
my niece is coming in on the 8:35pm flight.
It will be good to see her again...I think..
I know it will be good to see her mother again
one of my life�s lines.

The radio tells me I need
More protection to live a full and fruitful life
�Depends� in my future
a blade in my pocket.

The smoke from my cigarette
curls quickly out my window
as I glance over at my children.
My eyes sting with regrets
Only Smoke, only smoke

They wait in the light,
Flagging down any late come family
I Love them,they are beautiful and
They hold me here.

My eyes sting,
only smoke,only smoke

I cut myself last week , eight stitches

the doctor very nicely offered me a
stay �for a rest� in the hospital here
I was calm

I know how to work �calm�
until I�m Not.
I said no, with some actual regret, but
Who would watch the children?
Who hold me....Here.

My eyes sting
Only Smoke,only smoke

The smoke from rises.
I watch the sky and the coal at the
end of my cigarette.
Like my ...Black Dog�s ...eyes.

Iwent home instead of staying, that day
I drove myself there, drove myself back
and got down on my hands and knees
to wash the blood off the floor.
All in one afternoon
After the ER and before
the first small foot
came across that door

My eyes sting
Only smoke, only smoke

Small red flakes,
Flakes from between the tiles.

I smiled and served dinner,
with my sleeves rolled down.

Ashley�s coming home tonight
My cigarette is getting smaller.
The smoke rises so fast
As if it had some place to go.

My eyes sting
Only smoke, only smoke

Her mother is bi-polar manic depressive too
We like to keep it in the family
Like Dad is, but �We� don�t hit.
A small victory.

Her mother doesn�t cut anymore
knows how to control her ways
and which drugs to take.
Her husband makes all her decisions
No hard choice left.
But living.

Ashley is coming home tonight
with all her 15 year old hormones
that they think they have locked up
with meds from a three month stay
at a �Hospital�

I have all those choices
they won�t let me go.
Will my daughter have my gift?
Will she like drugs or a blade?
Or will she be my star, my Pearl Without Price, untouched
Doesn�t matter, I love her
thinking about her future hurts and I
Know I�ll have to stay and help it happen

My eyes sting
Only Smoke, only smoke

I flick my cigarette out the window
quickly lighting another.
A silent inhalation and a long silent sigh.
All those fucking choices

My Black Dog comes to
sit with me and watches the
smoke rise from the cigarette
His eyes glow only for me.
Too bad I�m the only one
Who can see him.
Should give him a Name?

If I name him, does he lose his power
over me. Will he leave?

My eyes sting.
Only smoke, only smoke

I wonder what Ashley saw
When they strapped her down?
Does she have a �Black Dog�
to keep her company?
Did she scream and fight
When they strapped her down?
When they locked her up?

My eyes sting
Only smoke, only smoke

Ashley is coming home tonight.

And I light another cigarette.

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