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2003-04-30 @ 9:57 a.m.
Violence or The Beating Remembered
I don't know what set him off that day. Mom said the wrong thing, at the wrong time. The usual. Sometimes (Idon't like to remember it) I hated her for that. Then I felt so guilty for the feeling, ashamed. I loved my mother. I loved my father, I was afraid of my father. Why couldn't mom just get along with him. Find the party line. But then that's what he said.
I spent so much time trying to protect Mom and failing. I had to protect my little sister. After all when she was brand new, straight from the hospital they gaver to me. Here's Your baby Sister. She was MINE! I could protect her if no one else. I tried.
Mom and dad arguing. I don't remember about what. All arguments are the same for a child and all of these held the scent of violence. The kind that makes you want to stay low and out of site. To hold your self still until the monster goes away.
This time Mom was backing away from him and as he advanced he hit her open handed across the face. I hurried and pushed Tracy into the bathroom where we could climb out the window if we needed to. All other exits were closed to us. But this window we could reach. Then away to the garden to hide until the monster left.
I made sure she could get out, and then, I went back to watch. WATCH. I had made the decision that if I couldn't stop a fight like that maybe if I positioned myself where he would see me he would leave.
I wasn't fast enough, I couldn't save her. His hand went up. I watched it go up and up forever. He hit her on the backswing. She was a tall woman and I thought to her "Run", I wanted her to run. I can still feel my fists clench, my body clench with wanting her to run.
She was down. Her body twisted and her face on the floor. Her eyes saw me and I think she said my name. I think she wanted me to run away, to not see what was happening, or maybe she was afraid for me. I will always see her fall, slow motion nightmares, her face toward me, her eyes shocked, seeming to be locked on mine. Falling she hits the floor hard and all the wind along with any fight is knocked out of her. Tall body stretched out on the braided rug. With the eyes of a wounded bird.
He was standing over her shouting. I don't know about what, but I stood in the doorway and put my hands together, clasping each other to still there shaking and I walked into the room and stood very still at the door way. I had felt frozen as she fell but now I could move again and I had to make him see me. I could not scream or cry, held mute by fear of the beast. I stepped in front of her and shaking and crying out inside, just looked up into hell. Into my fathers eyes. I looked and gave him scared, sober, Witness eyes. (This time) it worked and he shrunk back, some how became smaller. Became my father and not the beast. But I knew now that the beast would always be there, just trolling under the surface. He looked at my mother who had touched my leg as I stood there and he turned and walked away. Mom softly crying.
He stayed away for three days.
And we were happy. Just the girls playing in the kitchen where no monsters could get us.
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this weekends moons - 2004-09-17
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