Today I Feel:: Chearful

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2003-06-27 @ 5:34 p.m.
I wish I could put time in a bottle

"What do you want for your birthday Mom?" my daughters breath whispers against my cheek as we lay in bed.

My insides Clench

"I have to start saving now. Would you like some art supplies? Some new pencils or papers?"

I want to cry

<"No honey, it's not necessary. Maybe I'll do away with my birthday this year">

Shit! I feel tears coming. NOT NOW DAMNIT! Wait!

"Well....I don't really need anything for my birtday either. You already bought me sunglasses and I guess I'm too old for a party now"

Shit, shit, shit!

<"I don't think you're too old for a party if you want one. You just have to keep it small. I've already picked out a killer surprise for you. I have to think about a presant for myself, I guess you are never too old. So don't worry. Go to sleep now">

"Ok mom, as long as you get a birthday too" she snuggles up to me so warm. I feel her slide into sleep, her breathing changing...The tears come now making their way silently down my cheeks. Oh my precious pearl, I wish you could give me what I want most for my birthday. But it won't fit in a box with a bow on top.

I want time back in it's bottle.

My baby to be a virgin still. I want her free of those pressures just a little while longer.

I want to know what she needs and be strong enough to give it to her even if it is a "NO" and make it stick.

She's so young yet, just fourteen. A strong, bullheaded, stuborn Taurus. Just like my mother in many ways. She is one to always touch the forbidden just to see if it will really, really, BITE.

Such a mix of insecurity, bravado, curiosity and passion. My pearl without price.

I wish I wasn't ill so much of the time. I must seem like such a lump to teenage eyes...on those days I am forced out of action. Forced to the sidelines too early in the game.

I wish she was more like me and less like me. That I was a better example of all that she could be and all she could accomplish.

I wish I had the money to show her other places. A wider world than this small island. This one view of life. I wish I could show her some of the wonderful things I knew and did while growing up. Museums, motorcycles, skiing, Horses and concerts.

I wish, oh how I wish I could give her fathers love to her...With Ribbons. She says it doesn't matter but I know it cuts like a knife.

Isn't there a way I could just keep her safe with me in our small broken home, just a while longer? I wish for more time.

I wish for more time, Time to undo mistakes, to listen more, tell more stories, and look for faries in the back yard more often. Just time to get it right.

But time will not stand still and moves forward like a sailboat before the wind. I may be able to steer it if I am careful and good at my job. But I can never hold it back.

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