Today I Feel:::Older than usual, Ineffectual and un-needed.

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2004-04-22 @ 6:17 p.m.
Could I Wear Purple ?

Warning by Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go,
and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple

I love my daughter. She is 14 going on 23. But I am teaching nothing of value.....................I am alone again tonight. I have lost control over my daughter. No she doesn't have a drug habit or drink and run with a bad crowd. But she has friends and a boyfriend and any place is better than home I guess. I try not to fight ever. Maybe I should but I don't see how that would do anything but drive her farther away. I have two illnesses. Both chronic. I have been bi-polar since my early teens. I had grown to know how to deal with it and hide it to a great extent. Though there were always times that it made me a little less sharp than I should have been, a little more withdrawn or a little more giddy and inclined to take every one to the movies and dinners we couldn't afford. (sigh) not very consistant. But we could all live with it. Then about 1997 or the end of 1996 while I was working at the Ketchikan General Hospital in the Pathology lab I started having panic attacks, unexplained pains in my arms, back, legs, headaches, migrains, flu feelings, inattention, (not good in a lab) I got lost on the way to work or the way home. Meaning I would be driving and not know if I was going to or if I had worked all day and was going home. I just had to drive and see where I ended up. I gave up my belly dance classes. I was teaching 3 nights a week. I couldn't do it. It hurt too much. I thought I was going crazy. And with the bi-polar it was taking off too. So those meds got changed around to keep me sane. I lost my job the same day the Doctor figured out what I had. Fibromyalgia. Just like my mother. Now I take it easy and don't do the things I love. Dancing and dancing and just about any form. Along with other things that trigger an episoed. But sometimes it's just life and you can't say what brought it on. I have had my moments and days where I needed pain killers and those days where I needed more, a trip to the ER for pain shots. Then more mild days where all I did was forget every thing that I was suposed to be doing. Those days I could even forget the name of a fork. So my daughter has very little respect for me. I'm just crazy. And even though I touch pain meds as little as possible and its been a few years since I was as bad as I was when I didn't know how to live with Fibromyalgia, she still remembers and cuts no slack. She uses it to make me feel I can never relax. She sees me after a trip to the ER and decides I'm just "drugged out" like its an every day thing. She doesn't even ask if I hurt, can she do anything like dinner, or her chores. She is in danger of becoming a very mean very selfish young woman and that is an awful thing. She is so smart and so beautiful. She should be better than that. I just can't be the consistant parent that she needs. The only thing I can think of is to call her father and see if he is willing to take her for a school year and see how they get along. She may hate me for doing it but I'm not doing her any good as it is. I really don't have the strength to win this battle every day. I wish I had a betther solution but most of those need a partner to help brace me up and I don't have one. If anyone has any ideas they are welcome to let me know.

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Older Entries
- - 2005-05-20
new responcibilites-did I spell that one right? - 2005-04-26
this weekends moons - 2004-09-17
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